Me: Sigh.
Allergy Season Arrives
Me: Victor, have this special treat.
Victor: I don’t like the crunchy middle. I’ll just spit that out.
Me: That was a pill that I needed you to take. Fine, we’ll have to do this the hard way – tilt your head back . . .
Victor: Unhand me, fiend!! Bleah, ptoo.
Henry: Look at Victor – his mouth is foaming!
Victor: Pphla, phpla – I’ve been poisoned, phphph!
Henry: Victor has a big pink foamy beard – he looks like Freaky Santa!
Me: Oh no! I’m really sorry, but please try to not foam all over the white rug.
Victor: The. Trust. Is. Gone. phphph
After the Quiet . . .
Victor: HRAAACK!! HRAAACK!! HRAAACK!!!
Me: Are you okay Victor?
Victor: HRRAAAACCCCKKKKK!! PTTPPTTTO.
Me: Gross.
Henry: Dude! That is a huge loogie.
Victor: I feel so much better; time to run!
Me: I really wish you hadn’t done that on the dining room table.
In Which I am Welcomed Home
Me: Heloo, I’m home! Did you miss me?
Victor: What?
Henry: Were you gone?
Me: I was gone for nearly a week. I missed you guys.
Victor: Well, I suppose you could feed us.
Henry: Whatever.
3:17am:
Victor: WHERE WERE YOU??
Henry: Hi. I think I will curl up here.
Me: Mmph. That’s my face.
Henry: Let me get closer.
Victor: YOU ABANDONED US!! WHY ARE YOU A HATER?
Me: Breathing would be nice.
Victor: NEVER. LEAVE. AGAIN.
Chronicle of The Great Battle
Sounds of scrambling and squeaking. I investigate.
Me: What’s going on?
Victor: Hey, look what Henry found!
Mouse: help help help help help help help
Henry: Gotcha now, evil-trying-to-escapey-thing!
Victor: I’ve got your back dude. Heading left, vector 3-7-9, moving to intersect.
Henry: Roger that V, Heading it off. Got it!!
Mouse: help help help help help help help
Me: I’ve got a jar, run into the jar little mouse!
Henry: Really, are you helping, or are you hurting?
Victor: Oh, you’re no fun anymore.
More Lessons in Semantics
Me: Henry, I love your quiet mysterious ways. You’re my favorite.
Victor: WHAT?! I’m the handsome one, I’m the social one, I’m the affectionate one, I’m the silky one who loves to be petted!
Me: Yes, I know, that’s why you’re my favorite, Victor.
Henry: But . . .
Me: You’re my favorite too, Henry. You are both my favorite cat.
Cats: We do not think you know the meaning of that word.
Sounds of Stealth, Or Not
Me: What are you doing up there? What is that noise?
Henry: It’s dynamite, if dynamite could gallop.
Me: I know that you guys are wrestling again. Can’t you guys get along?
Later
Me: What on EARTH is going on up there?
Victor: It’s a herd of rhinoceros with no rhythm auditioning for STOMP?
Me: Please, please, be nice.
Later:
Me: For the love of God!! What is that racket?
Henry: Locomotives wrestling to Carmina Burana.
Me: I thought I told you guys to get along.
Henry: We are– this was a collaboration.
Victor: Carmina Burana was my contribution. Epic, right?
Me: Sigh.
In Which the Past is Revisited
Henry: My interests are chasing bugs, opening closed doors, helping to fold laundry, bird watching, playing with fabrics, dressing up, sitting in small boxes . . .
Me: What are you doing?
Henry: I’ve decided it’s time for me to get online, so I’m writing my profile – “I like tearing apart toilet paper and resetting the computer by pushing random keys . . .”
Victor: Geek.
Me: Hey, geek is a compliment, what are your interests, Victor?
Victor: I don’t need to have interests; I’m too handsome and charming to bother with such things.
Henry: Booooring.
Victor: Well, I do have one interest—I like to beat up geeks like you. Attack!
Henry: AUGH!
Me: I think I’m having a flashback to junior high school.
In Which the Morning’s Entertainment is Discussed
Henry: Shower sentries, reporting for duty!
Me: You know, I am perfectly capable of taking a shower without you guys standing guard.
Victor: We don’t know about that, it seems pretty dangerous.
Henry: All that water!
Victor: The whole thing is like a horror movie.
Henry: Or magic.
Victor: It’s fascinating!
Henry: Best show going.
In Which Evening Activities Are Planned
Henry: I am a mini-panther, see me leap from precipice to precipice with sleek abando—GAAGH!!
[Wrapping himself around the stair banister]
Henry: That wasn’t there, that leaped out and – that didn’t happen. I am just sitting here. Move along.
Victor: I am on speed!! I am leaping tall buildings! I am jumping up and down!! I am throwing up!!! I am eating your toes!!!!! GAAGH!!
Me: I am opening a bottle of wine.
